So, what do you do when the person you love will tell you anything, say anything, promise anything, just to get you to go as far away as possible? What do you do when they lie about where they are going, what they are doing, when they'll see you, how they'll contact you, etc etc...?

How do you stop all the lies and the bullshit and make them get it through their thick skull that you love them for being them, problems, issues and all? Maybe, just maybe, if he could step into my shoes for one day, hell, even one hour, he'd get what everyone else gets - how I look at him, how much I love him, how much I pray for his well-being and that he could just love me 1/4 as much as I love him. I wish he could understand that I'd do anything, even this, only because I love him. I just wish he'd let me see him. That's what love ultimately is about, no? Just wanting to see the one you love and see them smile. So, if dating other women makes him smile, well, that's his issue. I just want to see him. I want to see him, touch him, taste him, smell him, hold him for a whole night, then bid him farewell. I want to believe that everyone is right and that we owe it to the dog and the lease we signed. Maybe I just need to tie him down and let him talk to everyone that keeps telling me that "we made a committment together". Maybe I need to invite Alexis and my mother and my brother and Lynne and Toni and well, me. He can say "fuck the dog, I don't care about the dog" until the cows come home but he forgets, I've heard the message where he was practically ready to kill me because the dog got lost and the comment "I would've kept the dog if I'd known it'd end up in the streets of Chicago". He can pretend he doesn't care about anything, me, the dog, the apartment, but it's all just a damn front because he's afraid to get hurt or get involved or something. I think that it's my apartment just as much as it's his and if he wants to dick around with other people, fine, but I'm allowed to stay there just as much as he is. It's my dog just as much as it's his and if he wants to not take care of it, fine, but I'm allowed to keep it with me. I guess if he wants to just say "I don't want a relationship with you period", then that's his thing. Will he be losing out on a good thing? Yes. Will he be losing out on probably the only woman in the universe (I am quoting a few people there)to go from a committed relationship to "let's date other people"? Yes. Will he be losing woman who would go to the ends of the Earth and back again (and pretty much

has) for him? Yes. But that is his decision and his problem. I am the first to admit my faults, especially to all the people who are trying to diss him and curse him to the seventh layer of hell for this. I'm mouthy, I worry a lot, I'm clingy at night, I talk too much (refer to mouthy), I'm overweight, my hair is too thick, my eyelashes are abnormally long and they tend to shed, I have hair on my arms, I steal covers, I can't make a decent angel food cake to save my life and I don't like football.

But hell, for all the bad stuff, there is some good too. I can make some decent baked macaroni and cheese, christmas cookies and banana bread, I worry a lot, I'm a tad oversexed but I enjoy it and tend to be open to anything, I can hold my own in almost any conversation, I have excellent taste in literature and music, I am pretty damn tolerant, I share everything, from rice pudding to pillows, and I give decent foot rubs and back scratchings. I'm no one's catch but I'm not horrible.

This is one of the few times that I'd love to be proven wrong. I just hope he has it in him. He has the option of having me in his life in whatever way he wants me in it, be it that I'm his one and only girlfriend or that I'm just one of the others or whatever, I hope he takes it.

before & after