Where does a paycheck go in a week?

Well.

280 dollars for rent or whatever you want to call it.

8 dollars the one and only day I bought lunch out while at work.

91 dollars for cell phone.

10 dollars for hospital bill.

13 dollars for lunch for the both of us.

10 dollars for doctor bill.

20 on the first Friday for gas (19.12 but for the sake of this argument, I'm rounding it to 20 because I think like an idiot, I bought a Milo's tea too... so that's a 60 cent indulgence, sorry).

3 dollars for sodas and stuff. I've only bought like 4 altogether so it can't be more than 3 or 3.50.

8 dollars mid-week for gas because it was getting quite low.

20 yesterday for dinner.

18 yesterday for gas again.

That's all I can think of. I've been trying to keep track in my daily planner so I think I'm pretty good to go.

That leaves me with about 65 bucks and I KNOW my car will need another 5 or 10 in the next few days because it guzzles gas (unless I carpool and it's to the point now that I think I may do just that) and yeah, that's my fault, I know. I don't know why it's my fault but right now, we're just going to go with "it's my fault".

Then we have the whole feeling married thing. I don't know. If it was just, "I don't want to live together because it feels like we're moving too fast but I only want to see you because I know I love you, this is just too close for comfort", that'd be one thing. But I think it was basically the first part of that statement, plus "and should someone that seems better than you ever come along, I'd like to see them". I know I can handle it, I just think I could've handled it a lot better if it'd been that way from the start. But either way, I'm secure enough to say I know I can handle it, one way or another. Well, I guess it's for the best that I've signed up for overtime. I need to just put my head into work and ignore everything else. Work, pay bills, throw a teeny bit of money into a bank account for a rainy day and work some more. That should be it. Maybe, also, if I'm at work all the time, it won't be so bad. Maybe, if I work on every single day off and until the wee hours of the morning, it won't feel like he has to spend all his time with me. And, of course, it'll add to the paycheck which will make everyone happier. Me, him, the people at Visa who, besides the couch people, are the only people who haven't been paid yet. I don't know. Because it's so sudden, I just feel like it HAS to have been something I did or I've done or I'm doing and I want to beg and plead and ask him to tell me so I can correct or just stop being here altogether, if it's making him that unhappy. But I don't and instead, I sit here and throw dishes in the dishwasher (of COURSE there is only a little bit of dishwasher fluid left so I'm doing a load by hand because I know he won't notice as long as there are clean dishes and then I can buy some more come next paycheck) and garbage in the garbage can and try with all my might to think what I might have done that makes it so... whatever the word is.

If he would've kissed me goodbye this morning, I think everything would be okay. Yeah, I feel quite stupid for even admitting that a kiss from him would make everything better but it would. At least for me. I won't lie - I was thinking and, god help me, I like to think still that he will be there for me, no matter what.I mean, well, not no matter what because if I went off and killed 15 people, I really wouldn't expect him to be there for me, but if anything with my dad happens, if anything ever happened with me, if I just up and got hit by a semi on the way to work or if I suddenly came down with breast cancer (yeah, I know i'm 21 but I couldn't think of anything else) or anything like that. That he'd be there to hug me and just well, support me. Not like that though. But, you know, if anything happened to him, I'd be there, no matter what, and I like to think the same is true, both because it's fair and because that's what you do when you love someone and he loves me. Just to literally be there to hold me up or to hold me down or whatever needed to be down. Not with money, either. That was the whole reason I was working the overtime and signing up for the overtime and looking for better jobs. I don't want to be supported finicially... I really, really, really, really don't. I don't want the money and I'm working to make it so I don't need the money. I just want the hand in the morning when I'm waking up and the shoulder at night when I'm going to sleep and the lap to lay on when we're watching TV and the hair to play with when he's reading in bed. That's it. In the grand scheme of things, it doesn't seem like too much to want, I guess. And I do have it, at least for right now. I just want to keep it. So, on that note, I'm off to shower, chug down a xenadrine followed by a diet coke or two and head to work. I guess as long as it's only diet pills that I need to get me through the day, I'm not that bad off, eh?

before & after