I'm never getting married. Ever. I hate weddings. I guess hating something would require having BEEN to one but whatever, minor details. This is the fourth wedding in my life that I'm not going to. Since I'm just slightly bitter about it, I've decided that I will never attend one - not even my own. Since I refuse to attend my own wedding, that means there won't be one. Therefore, I am never getting married. That could just be hormones and resentment talking though. There are probably a lot more weddings too but I'm counting the four where I was either dating or related to the person going and/or I was actually invited and then people just didn't let/want/allow me to go. It's slightly depressing, sure, but what can I do? I'm going to die saying I've never attended a wedding but I've attended nine funerals, that's what I'm going to do. Well, that or I can work lots of overtime, fix my car (more on that in a second) and take me a nice road trip while other people work their asses off trying to plan a wedding. Maybe I'll go home to Chicago, maybe I'll visit Spud in NC, maybe I'll even go further south and hit up Mobile and Florida. Something, you know? A few months (weeks? It was that Memorial Day weekend) back, Friend # 2 and me had been discussing this and she swore up and down I'd end up going but "if for some reason you don't, let me know". Hell, maybe I'll just admit I'm a pussy and stay with her... or is that even an invitiation to stay with her? What does "Let me know" mean anyway? I could, in all theory, go and ask her since I'm at work and all but that'd just be a little weird. "Um, excuse me, but remember when you felt bad for me because a certain somebody left the first time and I was all alone and you said if for some unknown reason that I didn't go the next time, I should let you know? You don't? Yeah, I figured as much."

Bah. Semi-immature (but validated, at least in my mind and hell, it's my diary) rant over. Oh dear journal, how I've missed you. I write, I vent, problem ceases to exist in my already overloaded mind.

Anyway, Piece of Shit finally had her first Alabama Breakdown. Well, actually, I have to give her (yes, my car has a gender) credit - she didn't technically break down. The catalyic (sp? I'm at work and the computer doesn't have spellcheck, sorry) converter fell off and it kinda dragged on the highway the whole way home from work last night. Thankfully (I think) it didn't totally fall off and get left somewhere on I-65. Because, if what Dad and Jackass are telling me is true, if it's not busted, they can just put it back on. Mind you, apparently if anything else is wrong with the car, they're obligated to fix all that and charge me for that but hopefully there isn't and they can just put this thing back on and make her all better. I originally called Dad just to get Grandma's phone number but he doesn't have it, so we talked about what a fuckup Nathan was and what a piece of shit my car is for a good 20 minutes. My dad is nuts but I love him. I could actually go for seeing him in a few months. If I can just get POS fixed, I'll be good to go to work overtime (or a second job) and get the money to do it.

I'm not good with second jobs though. I've worked a few in my time but until I actually GET them, I spend a good amount of time just waxing poetic about going out and doing it. Hell, I think I spent the whole summer I was 19 saying I was going to go get a second job and I went on maybe two interviews. I suck, I admit it.

I'm also sick. Well, it may be something else besides "sick" but I don't know. I don't know what's wrong with me and that in itself is quite scary. So scary that it actually overshadows the car and the feeling left out and even the fact that my 21st birthday is coming up any day now (17 days). But in a little over a week, my insurance supposedly kicks in so I can go and get that looked at. Speaking of my health, I'm smoking again. It's been four years, why the hell not? Yesterday I had a whole one and then two puffs of his. Today I had a whole one and a few more puffs of his in the car. I guess if I'm only doing one or two a day, it's really not that damn bad. I think I'll quit sometime after Christmas. I don't see my life getting any less stressful until after Christmas. Mmm, Christmas. Snow and presents and snow and food and cheesy music and snow and shopping and time off work and cooking and snow.

I'm hungry. Since my car is in no shape to drive (I could, I suppose, it just wouldn't be a great idea), I had to drive to work with him today. This meant no time for breakfast or lunch or anything. But I have a good hour before I have to log onto the phone, I should get a sandwich or something equally crappy from the vending machine. Normally I wouldn't waste my money but since I'm not sure what's going on my with body (maybe it's dying like the car?), I guess if it says it's time to be fed, I should feed it. For everyone that requested a picture of the dog, here ya go.

All right, I'm going to go find some crap to eat and read the blogs and hit the phones. Anyone have any good ideas for really lower back pain that kind of burns and throbs on and off? Hell, anyone even know what the hell CAUSES that?

before & after